Monday, May 29, 2006
Sometimes.. I Scare Myself
Not trying to sound emo here, but.. sometimes when I look into the mirror, I find that I don't recognise the person I see. I think.. I've changed. Not just physically. I feel that I don't know myself at all, and believe me, this thought itself, is very scary.
If you know me personally, please tell me how to be Pauline (last time). I don't care if you label me fat, weird or whatsoever, at the very least, I feel Pauline.
I think I lost myself.
---
Cherwyn was moody yesterday for the earlier part of pubbing at Lock Stock and Barrel. I thought it was because of problems faced at work, but it turned out to be pretty "typical". He said that I always place my friends of more importance than him, and immediately after that, he shot me a question, "So, me and friends, who will you choose?" I kept silent and he told me something about "don't you know guys have feelings too?" Silence again. And then he took out something from his bag and said, "Actually I've got something for you.."
OMFG!
The guilt! The guilt!
And I cried out. Cos I was touched (well at the same time pretty tired under the influence of alcohol as well) Sometimes.. I really feel that I've taken him for granted all the while, and he should be so much more appreciated. And my family too..
Sigh
I love you Daddy.
I love you Mummy.
I love you Mag.
And last but not least, I love you too Cherwyn.Labels: Personal
01:33
Friday, May 26, 2006
Twenty-sixth of May, Two Thousand Six.
I NEED TO BLOG OUT WHAT I FEEL, LIKE BADLY!
Usually, I'd have minded that. I kept telling myself, "No I don't mind that.", "No biggie." cos I've already expected that right from the start. Well I ain't one clean sheet of paper too, so.. yeah. But it's ironic that I've always stressed upon the importance of that and made it almost like a "criteria", yet my attitude now towards that is like, "Oooh okay, whatever. Tell me more about it." And so again, I was right, my mum was right. For now, I've to keep telling myself that it's perfectly normal / I can accept it. Well at least I'll try.
That aside.
Life with Cherwyn has been rather smooth-sailing. No big fights (yet!). Sorry but I'm a hardcore pessimist and cynic. I kept telling him how I feel towards the relationship (We're not gonna last, I don't trust him completely, and things like that) and perhaps I was too brutally honest. I'm not the sweet-talking kind of girl whereby I go "Muacks I love you deardear forever and ever." but rather the "So now, tell me how many girls have you fucked with. Honest." So.. yeah.
Last night, I felt unusually close to him when we talked. He told me more about some things about him (well I can't help but to bring up that topic and ask him myself) I was like extremely distracted, well maybe I shouldn't have asked. Fuck.
Other than that, last night was good :) We overlooked various parts of Singapore while standing on top, and the air was fresh. No mozzies for the whole night, but there were lots of spiderweb. And he kept on telling me "Behave like a girl la!" Well.. Love, no promise but no harm trying. :)
And after 17++ years of hesistating and waiting, Nike's "Just Do It" ran through my mind just like a mantra. So.. yeah. :) Well.. I ain't gonna be young for long. Till now, I couldn't believe that we were actually that spontaneous.
But our flowing conversation after that was something I really enjoyed. He was childishly charming when he got very excited talking and kept slapping my (big fat) thighs and said "Wait!!! Let me finish!!!" when I tried to interrupt him. Very very cute!
I love you so much my chinese-and-techno-song-loving-golden-and-purple-hair-Marlboro-smoking chao ah beng.
Labels: Personal
14:13
Monday, May 22, 2006
:)
I survived the food poisoning without going to the hospital.
Spent a wonderful night with Mr Cherry. :) He's the first person I wanna see when I finally stop my diarrhoea and vomitting. So many days never see him! Okay, only 3 days, lah.
Over The Hedge @ Cine (0200-03++)), Supper @ Cine (0100), Paktoring at Mount Faber (0400-0800) and Upper Thomson Road for our prata breakfast!
Didn't spot any "live actions" at Mount Faber hahaha. No fogged up cars, no cars shaking, no nothing. So we just sat at the bench and talk and talk and talk. Nice scenery from up there, and surprisingly, there were no mosquitoes at all.
Darling, you're really hot. *wink* Hurhur. :)
Labels: Prattle Tattle
01:57
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I'm a girl!
I feel so ashamed when even
gay couples behave more intimately than us. No I'm not talking about sex. As in, I've never called you anything else other than your name, and I don't think I'll ever blog about you the way C/K blogs about each other. I've never tried talking gently to you and you always say that I behave like a guy. I feel like running away whenever you look at me or when you tell me you love/miss me. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REPLY, ALL I WANNA DO IS LAUGH. I think you're a great boyfriend but then again I think I treat you like you're my best friend. I seriously think that there's a problem with me (either I'm commitment-phobic or I'm really a homosexual) but you told me that there was no problem with our relationship. And I've a feeling that our relationship will come to an end real soon, I told you I expected it straight from the start and you were upset when I said that. I can't help it that I'm so cynical, I can't help it that I'm so distant and cold, I can't help it that I feel strange behaving like how a girl should, I feel sissy!
RUUGVUGHGHFUCKSUSSUSUHAUHS!
But to be fair to you, I'll try my best to change. Well hopefully this will turn out good.
Labels: Personal
01:48
Monday, May 08, 2006
Cherry-Aid Cherryade
Read this. It's funny!
http://www.talkingcock.com/html/article.php?sid=1945And this too.
http://www.talkingcock.com/html/article.php?sid=1939I love TalkingCock.com so much. It's my favourite website. Hahaha! :)
I'll be going to work pretty soon. I lost the "working momentum" all of a sudden and the fact that Cherwyn isn't going to be there today and tomorrow (Auntie May and that
niao ren Jacky took leave so he had to work 0800-1600) makes it even worse. I hope my schedule tomorrow's the 1300-2100 one. At least I can see him. :)
But for today... Zzz can't peep at him. How am I going to work today?!?!?!
:(
I think I'm obsessed already.
Labels: Personal, Prattle Tattle
15:21
TEQUILA SUNRISE
"Why can't we behave like we are together in front of other people?"
Cherwyn kept asking me that for the past few weeks. I couldn't give him an answer.
I shake his hand off whenever he holds mine. I shy away when he puts his arm around my shoulder. Until he asked me the question. He couldn't understand why, and he looked hurt when he said that.
Okay now, yes we are together. Like as if it isn't obvious enough. I've got his name (okay, nickname) plastered on my Friendster profile and my MSN nick. I've got his picture as my cell's wallpaper. And I held his hand last night, in front of Patrick/Adam/Chengbo/Jasmine/Kenny.
Oh by the way, we had 3 jugs of beer at Bali House near Hotel Meridien last night. And Patrick ordered Tequila Sunrise.
TEQUILA SUNRISE!
TEQUILA SUNRISE!
TEQUILA SUNRISE!
My second time having it. I remembered that it was love at first sight when I had it a few months ago :) I love Patrick so much.
And Cherwyn was on snoozing mode cos he was too bored. He was flushing like mad around the cheek, neck and chest area and it was like sooo cute. Chengbo felt sick after drinking so he was lying on the chairs. Jasmine drank tea cos she was feeling a little tipsy already. And Kenny.. Well, nevermind about Kenny :)
They were all smoking before that, and I felt so alone. LOL. Adam smokes, Chengbo smokes, Patrick smokes, Cherwyn smokes, Jasmine smokes, Kenny smokes. And I'm like so bored, so I was thinking bout those days when we hanged out at fast food chains eating cheap set meals and how we condemned smokers then. Ha.
In the end, Cherwyn and I made a move first, and I was in search of a toilet desperately. I was limping all the way and he had to walk slowly with me but he wasn't complaining. I was the one who was complaining about myself walking too slowly. Sometimes, I do feel Patrick-y.
And we went inside the ladies at Cineleisure basement. The gents was already locked. It was pitch dark so he was there talking to me while I complained about how dark it was and peed. He kept pressing his N70 in order to light up the toilet by a little and he was so cute I had the urge to rape him that instant.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And he needed to pee as well and said it was his first time peeing in a ladies, and there were people staring at us when we came out. I kinda know what they're thinking. Singapore should have more toilets man.
We cabbed back to Ang Mo Kio / Boon Lay and he paid for the cab fares. I really ought to get my ATM card re-done asap (I lost my NRIC/ATM card/nearly $300 if you haven't heard about it).
I really enjoyed myself with him :) Especially to EAT! Let's see.. We've been to
Prata House at Upper Thomson Road. The cheese prata is delicious! And even the normal prata. Yumyum!
Chinatown. Tangyuan was good. Stingray was good. The desserts suck.
River Valley Road for the cze char. Black pepper deer meat was good. Fried rice was good. Garoupa was good. Kailan was good. Altogether, GREAT.
Newton Circus. Their stingray was okay. Kailan good. Seafood horfun was loaded with a lot of squid (Cherwyn hates it hahaha!) and very little horfun. They're rather pushy, so it's quite scary.
Lau Pa Sat. We had 6 sticks of chicken satay 2 sticks of mutton and 2 sticks of beef. He didn't dare to tell me that he didn't like mutton and vice versa. We ordered Hongkong-style noodle and oyster omelette from the cze char stall.
Geylang. Tasty orh jian, and we had fun looking at Geylang's nightlife as well. :)
And oh yeah we went to Changi Village about a week ago and I saw loads of trannies there. Cos he said he saw truckloads of trannies the last time he went there with his friends. Oh my fucking god, they had long legs and looked so pretty.... from afar! There were a lot of cars passing by Changi Village (I suppose they're looking for something), but apart from that, it was rather quiet, with a lot of trannies walking here and there.
Okay lah, I'm quite tired now, maybe I should go and sleep now. And it sucks when he's working the 0800-1600 shift whereas mine is 1800-2300. WTF. I think I'll miss him.
Labels: Personal
01:38
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I Love Cherwyn!
http://colinandkero.blogspot.com
I'm sure you've heard about them by now. Actually, it takes a lot of courage to come out of the closet.
I told him a few days ago about my sexual orientation, and he remained silent for half an hour. Very awkward moment, so I pretended I was joking and he said I really scared him. I swear that I'm never ever gonna bring up this topic in front of him again. He doesn't need to know all these since they are all in the past. I don't want our relationship to be affected and also, I believe that the inclination is not as strong now. :)
This is almost like a dream come true for me. I mean, I had a crush on him when he first came to SSD cos he was like, kinda cute? Okay, very shallow I know. But he was very quiet, and when he took off his chef's hat, I saw the tinted purple hair and golden hair which spells BENG. The first conversation started when he squatted behind me while drinking water.
Me: Go behind and drink la! You look like a criminal here.
Him: *speechless*
He told me he smiled at me, but I didn't see it. I just remember I hated him from that moment cos he was like so beng (cos of his hair) and so cold. Furthermore, I saw him smoking at the loading bay, so I had quite a bad impression of him. I know that's very stereotypical. =
The second time was when I was doggybagging some guests' food, and I didn't know how to, so he was like, "Everything you also don't know, go home lah you. Service staff don't know, need chef to do for you." I took him quite seriously so I was like pissed with his attitude until he laughed. And he joked about me needing help with getting thousand island / italian dressing for salad, so I found him to be rather okay.
While I was doing ketchup, I complained to a service staff that I was very hungry. He overheard it and did a sandwich for me although he already closed the kitchen. Tuna on a baguette with lettuce tomato and onion. I was like really shocked cos I didn't know that he was that nice. From then onwards, he will always ask me whether I'm hungry, and I will always say no.
There was a leftover portion of fries at the stewarding area and I was like munching on them happily when he came and spotted me, "Chi fries chi fries, fei si ni la!" And I started to change my opinion about him again. Maybe it's because of the "fei si ni la" SENSITIVE WHAT LOL. But when I went out to the pantry, I saw him preparing a sandwich for me. Very very fast. And Yen was like staring at my food (I really mean staring), so he asked Yen too what she wanted and brought her to the kitchen. When he was done, he went to help the dishwashing auntie to bring some plates to the front...
So nice. :)
When I was doing the serviettes, he came and asked me, "What do you think about Jay? You know he kept talking about you non-stop in the kitchen?" I replied, "Okay okay la, why?" He never said why, so I began to think that maybe Jay asked him to find out more about me, and I was like feeling, "Holy cow, I don't fucking like Ah Jay, so you better not be so close to me just because you're helping him whatsoever." And he followed up with, "So.. what's your relationship with Patrick huh?" Very fucking ridiculous why people think we're together man hahaha. I explained to him and then felt quite down cos I've got this feeling that he was asking for Jay.
He asked for my number the next day and said, "Can I give it to Ah Jay if he wants?" I was like totally #@@$@#$@#$% but didn't show it and said "Yeah, sure no problem." But luckily I found out now that he didn't give. He texted me first, "Hey. Just to let you know this is Cherwyn here." I can't really remember what we talked about cos I accidentally erased the whole text. We went out for a couple of times and he kept saying something about liking me but of course I didn't take him seriously cos I still believed that he was joking.
In a short period of time, about two weeks or so, he did quite a lot of things to make me believe, he remembered everything I did/said and responded to them. "M&M peanut butter is so nice, but hard to find sometimes." The next day I got mine. "Yam paste nice right." The next day he brought it. "Why aren't there apples in the canteen today?" I got mine within an hour. Fresh and cold. While we were in the canteen, he got for me my iced black coffee kosong and I didn't even realise that he liked his ice water without ice. Helped me to wash my bottle caps for the ketchup. Wait for me to finish work. Doesn't go for his split shift. Tries not to smoke too much in front of my presence just because I said I don't like smoker. He was like really very nice cos he put my interest before him all the time, until I felt really guilty.
We were a little drunk when we drank together, and he held my hand all throughout the cab journey. I didn't push his hand away.
And it all began. *smiles*
Labels: Personal
00:50
